I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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