Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
