maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
