yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
