your parents love me but you hate me
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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