Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
