Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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