Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
