Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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