I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
