He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
