Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
