Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
