Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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