thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
