It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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