she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Blood and glitter go together right?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
