rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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