sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
