I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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