I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
