i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
