So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
