FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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