I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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