Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
