Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
