so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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