i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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