She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
