Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
