Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
