he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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