Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
