Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
