i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
