I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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