I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She's the barista slut.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
