the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
