is your mom at the bar?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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