Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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