hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
