i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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