Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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