You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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