someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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