saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
