i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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