Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
