I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
