New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
