Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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