listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
