We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
