The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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