I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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