i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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